Note: This page is still a work in progress. Writing & editing this is extremely emotional, so I’ve been unable to spend long chunks of time reliving the experience. Thank you for your patience & understanding.
I can no longer, in good conscience, support Feline Friends.
I’ve cut all ties & stopped doing the things that I’ve been doing with & for Feline Friends for almost 20 yrs. This includes but is not limited to collecting & delivering donated supplies & money for their shelter, foster homes, & rummage sales ; fostering their feral & medically fragile cats ; volunteering ; promoting & publicizing the org & their events ; referring new donors, volunteers, veterinarians, foster families, & adoptive families.
In 2019, I encountered a staggering misalignment between me & that org which was insurmountable. There was a long, drawn-out, extremely distressing situation. I naively assumed everyone involved would review the facts – all the facts – and would come to the same conclusion about what was “the right thing to do”. Oh boy, was I mistaken.
Most of my readers know that org had meant the world to me. The work I was doing for that org felt like the reason that I am on this planet. It was my reason for getting up every day. It was my reason for breathing. It was a key factor in several major life decisions. I could never have imagined that something so jaw-dropping would happen that I’d want to walk away from that. I’m still struggling to figure out what my place is in the world now.
The way the situation was resolved also knocked my life’s trajectory off its orbit. I don’t see any possibility of ever recovering from what was lost. I still feel shattered. Dismayed. Disgusted.
As I write this, we’re going into a new calendar year, so I’m raising a glass for a toast.
Here’s to the past, dripping with hope & draped in naivete. Ah, the good ol’ days, when we thought that following each piece of advice from each expert consulted would ensure that nothing would happen to destroy our plans. Goodbye, glorious past.
Here’s to B. I’ll never forgive myself for encouraging you to involve that org because they could set up a Plan C in case your Plan B fell through. I thought it was the best salve for your anxiety about what might happen to the kids. I’ll never forgive myself for that being what actually caused your worst nightmare to come true. Wherever you are – IF you “are” – I wish you could tell me whether you forgive me for thinking that was the best way to avoid your worst nightmare. I hope you know I did my best to follow your wishes. I did my best to make it right. I didn’t stop trying until it broke me.
Here’s to “the kids”. My heart still aches every day for you two much-beloved boys. I still have flashbacks of watching what happened to you. I’m sorry that you had to go through that trauma. I would’ve bet my life that we had ensured it would be impossible for you to go through what you ended up going through. Your mama & I did our best to fulfill our promises. I hope you know that I didn’t stop trying until it broke me.
Here’s to the now. Here’s to knowing what I know now, even though it’s so upsetting. I’m giving it everything I’ve got to be here now & to not give up.
Here’s to the “what next?”
